The First Stone (Day 1 from Cleaning Thoughts)

 

     THE WORD OF GOD TELLS us that when the enemy comes in like a flood, the Lord will raise up a standard against him. Tonight, it USA flood of memories that overwhelms me. I have spent most of the day fighting to hold back the tears, and now as I sat alone in the dark, I found myself engulfed in memories of over thirty years ago. 

   I was a young bride of six months, and for me, it was the first time in my life I thought I knew what love really was. Until then, I didn’t believe anything could make me happier than these past few months, but the doctor had just told me I was expecting my first child. I remembered the joy I felt as I shared the wonderful news with my husband and the new grandparents-to-be. Suddenly, just as it was then, the memories of a shattered dream filled my eyes with tears as the pain of betrayal flooded my thoughts. What was to be the happiest time of our lives became a nightmare. Several  weeks passed. Each day for me was more devastating  than the one before, until one day, my husband of just eight months walked out the door, and I never saw him again.

   As I sat there, I could no longer hold back the tears as I remembered the overwhelming sadness I had felt when the baby within me moved for the first time and there was no one there to share it with. It was supposed to be a time of great joy, but all I could remember was the emptiness of shattered dreams, trying to understand where everything went wrong. My emotional state was very fragile and the medication I was placed on to keep me stable could have had an effect in the baby. I remembered the guilt I felt during the long months of doctor’s care, living with the uncertainty that my baby was going to be alright. That same wave of fear flooded my memory that I had felt when I was taken into the labor room, which only served to intensify the pain of delivery. How was I going to be both caregiver and provider fo the new life I was bringing into the world? Then when I held my baby for the first time and looked down into the innocent face of my newborn son, I remembered what it was like to love again. T was time to go on. I had to try to put the past behind me and build a new life for my son and me. I made my son a promise that day that I would be there for him as long as I lived and that I would always try to be the best mother I could.